70 Christmas cracker jokes that are so bad they're funny

Many of us might be opting for a virtual Christmas celebration this year, but that doesn’t mean that we can avoid that most explosive of advent traditions: the Christmas cracker and the horrendously bad jokes that they hold secret.

Riddled with puns and often devoid of humours, for better or worse the awkward reading of cracker jokes have become a staple of the British Christmas dinner.

If you simply can’t wait to the big day to read and recite your favourite jokes we've got your back with no less than 70 jokes so bad that they’re good.

What do you call an old snowman?Water

What’s a dog’s favourite carol?Bark, the herald angels sing

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?A Christmas Quacker!

Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?Beyon-sleigh!

Why has Boris Johnson bought mistletoe this year?Because he’s tired of being in the single market!

What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?Lost

Why has Santa been banned from sooty chimneys?Carbon footprints

Which of Santa's reindeer has the best moves?Dancer!

Why was the turkey in the pop group?Because he was the only one with drumsticks!

What do you get if you put a bell on a skunk?Jingle smells

What is white and minty?A polo bear!

What are the best Christmas sweaters made from?Fleece Navidad!

What athlete is warmest in winter?A long jumper!

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?A Holly Davidson!

What happens to elves when they are naughty?Santa gives them the sack!

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?One that’s deep pan, crisp and even!

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?A mince spy!

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?It’s Christmas, Eve!

What do you call a deer who can’t see?No eye-deer!

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?Tinselitis!

What do monkeys sing at Christmas?Jungle bells!

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?Claustrophobia!

How does Christmas Day end?With the letter Y!

How many letters are in the angelic alphabet?The Christmas alphabet has “no EL”!

What carol is heard in the desert?O camel ye faithful!

What type of key do you need for a Nativity play?A don-key!

What happened to the turkey at Christmas?It got gobbled!

Why did the turkey join the band?Because it had the drumsticks!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?Frostbite!

What do snowmen wear on their heads?Ice caps!

How do snowmen get around?They ride an icicle

What do snowmen eat for lunch?Iceburgers!

When is a boat just like snow?When it’s adrift!

What do you call Father Christmas on the beach?Sandy Claus!

What do you call a cat in the desert?Sandy Claws!

Who delivers presents to cats?Santa Paws!

Why did the turkey cross the road?Because it was the chicken’s day off!

What do snowmen eat for lunch? Iceburgers!

What says Oh Oh Oh?Santa walking backwards!

What do elves learn at school?The Elfabet!

Why can’t Christmas trees knit?Because they always drop their needles!

What’s green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?Mistle-toad!

What’s yellow and dangerous?Shark-infested custard!

Why is it so difficult to train dogs to dance?They have two left feet!

What wobbles and flies?A Jelly-copter!

What goes ha ha ha clonk?A man laughing his head off!

Why did the man get the sack from the orange juice factory?Because he couldn’t concentrate!

How does Darth Vader enjoy his Christmas Turkey?On the dark side!

Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?Beyon-sleigh!

What did the stamp say to the letter?Stick with me and we’ll go places!

What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective?Santa Clues!

What goes Ho Ho Whoosh, Ho Ho Whoosh?Santa going through a revolving door!

What is Santa’s favourite place to deliver presents?Idaho-ho-ho!

What did the sea Say to Santa?Nothing! It just waved!

What does Santa do with fat elves?He sends them to an Elf Farm!

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?A Christmas Quacker!

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?Santa Jaws!

What says Oh Oh Oh?Santa walking backwards!

What do you call a dog who works for Santa?Santa Paws!

What’s a child’s favourite king at Christmas?A stocking!

Who is Santa’s favourite singer?Elf-is Presley

Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas Party?Because he had no body to go with!

What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?Jingle Smells!

Why is everyone so thirsty at the north pole?No well, no well!

What do you call a three legged donkey?A wonkey!

Why are pirates great?They just aaaaaaarrrrr!

What did Santa do when he went speed dating?He pulled a cracker

How does Darth Vader enjoy his Christmas Turkey?On the dark side!

What is the Grinch's least favourite band?The Who!

How is Drake like an elf?He spends all his time wrapping

What do you get if Santa forgets to wear his undercrackers?St Nickerless

Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?Because their days are numbered!