Three brave domestic abuse survivors share their experiences

According to national statistics, one in four women and one in six men experience domestic abuse during their lifetime.

Abuse comes in all forms, and physical violence is only one aspect of domestic abuse.

It can include a wide range of abusive and controlling behaviour, including threats, harassment, stalking, financial/economic control and emotional abuse – you can read more on ‘red flag’ behaviours here.

Domestic abuse charity EDAN Lincs (Ending Domestic Abuse Now) have now shared the answers to a number of questions they asked three survivors who had fled from abuse and taken refuge in one of the charity’s shelters across the county.

As referrals have more than doubled in Lincolnshire in the past year, the survivors – referred to as Survivor A, B, and C respectively to protect their identities – were asked if they thought there is enough awareness of domestic abuse in Lincolnshire, and what they want to see change in the county to tackle domestic abuse.

Survivor A and her son were helped by EDAN Lincs’s outreach team and Children & Young People's Workforce (CYPW) team), and they said that while there can be more awareness generally, if anyone is struggling and needs to reach out, it is

fairly easy to find domestic abuse charities and support.

"This actually breaks my heart knowing that other people are suffering,” they said, referring to the rise in referrals, “However, knowing there is more referrals means more victims are reaching out and coming forward to get support and hopefully on their way to start a safer life without their abuser.”

Survivor A suffered from emotional abuse at the hands of her abuser, and her son was also physically and emotionally abused by the same person, and they both received counselling for a number of years, with the police carrying out welfare checks.

A added that while domestic abuse workers are “amazing”, they believe that police are “having to work with outdated laws on domestic abuse”.

Similar experiences were had by Survivor B, who stayed in one of EDAN Lincs’s refuges with her child and the charity helped them to get distance from an abusive and manipulating partner, as well as receiving counselling at the refuge.

They said they believed the rise in referrals was due to the influence of movies and music including disrespectful and rude lyrics, as well as drugs, excessive alcohol consumption, and pornography, and that to tackle domestic abuse, we need to understand the influence and effects these influences have on human mind and emotions.

Survivor C, who has also stayed in one of EDAN Lincs’s refuges recently, has also called for clearer, stricter guidance when it comes to domestic abuse to encourage more prosecutions and help people feel confident about confiding in the police:

“Domestic abuse is a grey area because what actually counts as domestic abuse and what counts as a generic criminal offence or a “normal” couples argument?” they said, “For someone who’s been through it, there is a clear line between all three, but someone who hasn’t there isn’t that clear line, until it’s clear to a majority rather than a minority what is and isn’t abuse, there isn’t enough awareness being raised."

C also said that many factors can contribute to a rise in domestic abuse, most recently including the cost of living crisis and the recession:

"But as tough as it can be trying to manage a family, or just life in general, with limited finances, it’s not an excuse to be abusive at any degree – it’s inexcusable behaviour.”

C faced financial, emotional, controlling and coercive behaviour and sexual abuse at the hands of their abuser, and has praised the efforts of Edan Lincs helping them get back on their feet:

“The refuge helped me massively. There was ups and downs whilst in there as expected, but it helped me realise what abuse I actually went through,” C said.

"Normal for me was everything that happened, to them it was a nightmare. I realise that now and without the outside perspective and the chance to breathe away from the situation, I’d have carried on living my normal instead of the life I deserve.”

C said that there needs to be many changes – starting with children: "They could be living in a house with abusive parents, and they won’t know any different. That’s their normal.

"There needs to be some sort of education about right and wrong behaviours within a family and a relationship/friendship, it could literally save lives.”If you have concerns about your relationship or feeling uncomfortable/worried, remember that you deserve to feel safe and comfortable in your relationship – you are not alone, and there is help and support available.

If you are in immediate danger, call police on 999 – if it is unsafe for you to speak, you can press 55 when prompted and your call will be transferred to the police.

For advice and support in Lincolnshire, call EDAN Lincs on 01522 510041 or visit edanlincs.org.uk

You can also call the 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 or the Respect Men’s advice line on 0808 8010327.

The helpline for perpetrators can also be reached on 0808 8024040.